BigBlog

Merry Xmas Everyone, hope you get a good laugh and how true they all are!!  

Peace & Goodwill   His'n'Hers ....

*********************************************************************** 

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Do you cry under water?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks..........   ''How many is a Brazillion ??!'

I'm old enough to have met this guy, and remember him. I witnessed his pending demise in the early 80's whilst doing my stint as a school councillor ! 

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who  Has been with US for many years.

• No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long  Ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having  Cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the  Rain; Why the early Bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and  Maybe it was my fault.
• Common Sense lived by simple, sound Financial policies (don't spend  More than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,  Are in charge).
• His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but  Overbearing regulations were set in Place. Reports of a 6 -year-old boy  Charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended  From school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for  Reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
• Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the  Job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly  Children. It declined even further when schools were required to get  Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a  Student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant  and Wanted to have an abortion.
• Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became  Contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better  Treatment than their victims.
• Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a  Burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
• Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to  Realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a Little in  Her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his  Wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He  Is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To  Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few  Realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and  Do nothing.

This was doing the rounds a few years back for the more numerically inclined ...

>>>  There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him to get back up the chimney into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second or 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them - Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 426 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m..p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrous considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he'sdead now.

Merry Christmas

 I loved this book a collection of short stories written in dialect by Thompson published by George Allen & Unwin Ltd in 1951.

A review in The Manchester Guardian at the time claimed 'What Kipling was to India and what O.Henry was to New York that Thompson is to Lancashire'

... Thanks to sympathy and imagination there is more in it of the real Lancashire than ten times the same amount of "mass observation" could record ...

The sketches give a wonderful and humorous insight into the Lancashire of the pre WW11 years, with the weekly meetings and discussions at the barbers shop.  It is a must read for any dialect enthusiast.

The following website gives some background on the author and Lancashire   :-  Lancashire Dialect Prose

Lancashire Dialect Prose

 

>>>  Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married . The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant.   <<<

>>>  Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.  Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."   <<<

>>>  Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."   "Well you can't say fairer than that then"   <<<

>>>  So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"   <<<

>>>  So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'   <<<

>>>  Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"   <<<

>>>  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.   <<<

>>> You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.   They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."   <<<

>>>  A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"   <<<

>>>  A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"   The doctor said "well don't go to those places"   <<<

>>>  I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.   <<<

>>>  Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.   <<<

>>>  Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."   <<<

>>>  My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.   <<<

>>>  A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"  The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".   <<<

>>>  I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.   <<<

>>>  Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.  <<<

Well I created a gallery, and have spent the last 24 hours trying to upload some piccies; but the system just keeps hanging, and nothing happens.

Tried it from two different machines and its not that!!

I would contact Bigpond but I've been waiting over 3 Weeks for the "wizen ones" in the "back-room" (level 2) to send me an email with some advice on a couple of simple problems; I'm not game to throw a third query into the merky Puddle !!

Come to think of it I got more feedback as a kid chucking stones into the neighbourhood pond ,   Hhhmmm :>

I dined out at the restaurant last night; I said to the waiter "This chicken is COLD!"; He said "I'm not surprised it's been dead 2 weeks".

I don't understand what part of the instuction "Keep Left Unless Overtaking" is difficult to comprehend.

It doesn't actually mean "Oh! I'll be turning right in about 4km so I better stay in the outside lane"

Staying in the outer lane doesn't actually make the traffic flow any better. In fact should drivers "keep Left" then any faster traffic could safely pass on the outside before moving back to safety on the inside. 

This action, should make access to the outer lane easier because it will reduce number of impatient tailgating drivers.

At least that was theory when we dreamed up the system, it wasn't "Rocket Science" then! and it sure isn't rocket science now!

I know "tell him he's dreaming"

ERROR: Text contains the following naughty words : [Idiots]   so like a Spammer lets resort to mis-spelling.

I don't believe we're proposing to do it again!!

Idiots are going around setting fire to brush fences;    So! "what are we proposing to do, "BAN BRUSH FENCES".

Yep! Lets round up all brush fences they're clearly attracting too much attention ???

What! catch the louts and severely deal with them?

But they may be misunderstood, it's not their fault!  Unlike the passive, antisocial fence sitting there doing nothing, not able to join our ever increasing desire for change, to fend off boredom, so lets rag it! deface it! vandalise it to register our contempt? 

I'm an angry teenager, a social guerilla fighting for freedom, recognition and my rights.

No I'm sorry your just a TWONK, behaving like a twonk unprepared to accept that RIGHTS go hand-in-hand with RESPONSIBILITIES.

HELL ! responsibilities, but didn't you get the memo where all self classified under-privileged members of the community are NOT RESPONSIBLE for anything!!!

When as a community are we going to wake up and get a grip of this problem?   Do something constructive about dealing with the source of the problem, EDUCATION.

No !  I'm not talking about schooling, the government panacea!

I'm talking about social awareness and an instilled notion of group culture, call it PROPOGANDA if you like! Brain-washing that's apparently ok?   if it's an election issue you want to get over, or  another useless product you want to sell, or boost the ratings on a mindless TV show like BIG BROTHER, or if you are a myopic journalist looking for the issue that will make your name and career  -  Whoops this is beginning to sound like that modern "ME" culture again?

No!!  The way our leaders, administrators, community elect frequently deal with these anti-social elements of our community is analogous to the "Save the Whales Movement" proposing they kill all the whales to remove the target of their objections.  CLEARLY ABSURD

What did confused Old Grandma used to call it "Throwing the Baby out with the Bath Water", I guess that's a quantum -leap in thought for these social terrorists though; Sorry I meant vandals.

Well, if you don't want to live in a collective and abide by its rules, that's fine! 

Live outside of it!   Siberia, Arctic or some desolate asteroid in space would be a good place along with your little "BLACK-HAND GANG", sorry like-minded peers, contempories?

In fact as a society we should direct our energies into providing you with an assisted passage to your preferred environment, where was that place the french had "DEVIL'S ISLAND"?   Just the place, you'll fit in a treat; your mean; your angry; your tough and probably wont need to think about too much beyond survival.  But of course you're telling us you are good at that, that's why you're doing what you do??   Rigghhttttt

To paraphrase I can't remember who, "By Jove I FEEL better after that"  :))